Taxicab confessions

Paritosh | January 14, 2016

– Y’know, Marilyn Monroe was a Russian spy?

– Nope. But a postman wrote Ham on Rye.

– They smothered her with a pillow, man. Made it look like suicide. Y’know what I mean?

– Who did?

– The CIA. I am NOT letting you through. And you have NO business honking at me! Old ladies, I tell you man. It’s all dryin’ up. They buyin’ out our company too. The French are takin’ over. And Mr. Gobama say he gonna get rid of all the coal-powered plants. Wind powered electricity, yeah right! What’s he gonna do about the unemployment? I’m gonna go down to the course tomorrow. Whack a couple a golf balls. I have a dream y’know. Do you have dreams?

– Not really. What’s yours?

– I’m gonna win a senior citizen golf tournament someday.

– You don’t look that old.

– I figured I’m 56 now. If I get my chops down, I’ll be ready in another ten years or so. I like to play golf. You not from around here, are you? Let me tell you somethin’, man. Lady Day’s family owned a gun manufacturing company. The war was good for them. The war is good for rich people. Where you from?

– Lapenia.

– Got friends, family around here?

– I know a couple of yinzers.

– How long you been speaking English?

– A while.

– Man, I don’t need 40 acres and a mule. 20 grand and a Caddy will do. Where’d you say you was from?

– Whackmando.

– That’s right. Do you know the leading cause of death in this country?

– Cheeseburgers.

– Hell no! More Americans die from loneliness than any other disease. That old lady up there, who wouldn’t let us through, y’know, she don’t need to be goin’ to no Wal Mart this time of the night. She need to be around people, that’s all.

– I hear you.

– Look at the hills across the river, man. You know who put ‘em there? God put ‘em there and people build houses on it. Isn’t it beautiful? There are many hills in the Burgh. You can’t really tell how big the city is. I don’t know how many American cities you been to.

– A few.

– They’re all the same. America’s an awful lot of open space but the Burgh, man, I tell you is the hilliest city in the country.

– Is it also the rainiest?

– I only know about the hills and the rivers, man.

– Where do all the towboats go?

– Nowhere, just up and down. Do you have hills where you come from?

– Mountains too.

– That’s right. Kilimanjaro!

– Yep.

– Another thing about the Burgh, man. It’s the city of bridges. 800, all in all. We’re second only to Venice.

– That’s because they have lots of little bridges.

– A bridge is still a bridge, man. We’ll always be second to Venice.

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