I am 30 and I have never voted. I am an independent, educated, politically conscious being and yet I have never voted.

I want to. I want to discuss who to vote for. I want to debate the pros and cons of one candidate versus another. I want to have these debates knowing that I hold the power of my vote in my hand. My right as a citizen of Nepal to be a drop in the ocean of decisions that will shape my country.

But I did not vote. Suffrage rights sounds powerful to my ears. I have held these rights for 12 years but I have never exercised them. In 2008, I watched from afar as friends, family and other citizens joyously cast their votes. The power of the people. Their voice. Mine was missing then and it is still missing now. I remain a citizen on the fringes, a citizen who chooses her fate before her country. A citizen whose opinion on who should lead does not matter because she does not hold the vote. I can see it in the eyes of the people I talk with. I can see it when I try and engage and understand what is happening. I feel the guilt. I feel it in my own judgment of self.

As my entire country goes to the polls, I can only constantly hit the refresh button as I try and glean the latest news, polls… anything.

I ride a rollercoaster of emotions. Shame, frustration, helplessness, anger, anticipation, nervousness – all tumble inside me. They rise in waves crashing against each other. Shame that I consider myself an educated, liberal, free citizen, who has never exercised one of my most basic rights. Frustration that absentee votes are not available, frustration that our democracy has so often let us down, frustration in distance, frustration in exercising my rights. Helplessness at being so far from a place and people I hold so dear. Anger at what my country is going through and at me for not doing more. Anticipation that maybe, just maybe, these elections mean something.

Aarti Basnyat lives and works in Germany.